Goddess Ilias

Ilias Theme Ilias First Battle Theme Ilias Second Battle Theme

Goddess Ilias, also known as

☀ {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go.Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mold -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your fiying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Orge! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My promlems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta heve friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - - Really tall? -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fune. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gusps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right, hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me!{Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Ginerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas And getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into yoga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans} -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...... place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do And that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring} -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole orge trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry? -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like  no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she'll be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creacing} -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars} {Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls} -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat} -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. {Fchoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take ot off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an orge. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an orge. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -I'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your - - Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -I don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -Shrek, What are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Our swamp? -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -I'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawns} -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I said I like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs} -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green - - {Kissing sounds} -beast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an orge in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Yell} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we? -Hold the phone. {Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -What you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Ohh! -Ahem. -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chickle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh -Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's DuLoc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style. -No kidding. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -I'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, Shrek? -I, um, I was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Shrek sighs} -Good night. -Good night. {Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - -An orge? -Yeah. An orge. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings fluttering} -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me? -Donkey! -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - {Sighs} -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. {Deep sigh} -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the orge. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, orge. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly orge. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'll never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - - -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -I object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - -But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughting} -An orge and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! -You'll beg for death to save you! -No, Shrek! -And as for you, my wife, -Fiona! -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! -I'm king! {Whistles} -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah! -Aah! -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. {Roars} -I'm a donkey on the edge! {Belches} -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? {Cheering} -Go ahead, Shrek. -Uh, Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? -I - - I love you. -Really? -Really, really. - I love you too. -Aawww! -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form." -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form." -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. -But you ARE beautiful. {Chuckles} -I was hoping this would be a happy ending. I thought love was only true in fairy tales Oy! Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed Disappointment haunted all my dreams And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer and not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her If I tried -God bless us, every one. Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha Now I'm a believer Listen! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind I'm in love Ooh-aah I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried -Ooh! -Uh! Then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Hey! Not a trace Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind -One more time! I'm in love I'm a believer Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey Y'all sing it with me! I Believe I believe People in the back! I believe I'm a believer I believe I believe I believe I believe {Hysterical laughing} -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. -I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I believe in self-assertion Destiny or a slight diversion Now it seems I've got my head on straight I'm a freak an apparition Seems I've made the right decision To try to turn back now it might be too late Now I want to stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna be a millionaire someday But know what it feels like to give it away Watch me march to the beat of my own drum And it's off to the moon and then back again Same old day Same situation My happiness rears back as if to say I wanna stay home today Don't wanna go out If anyone comes to play Gonna get thrown out I wanna stay home today Don't want no company No way Yeah, yeah, yeah I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home......... I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive Please tell me, baby, if all this is true 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives When we first met I could hardly believe The things that would happen and we could achieve So let's be together for all of our time Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine You always consider me like an ugly duckling And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on I break a little something to keep my mind on 'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song 'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years All night long Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance Makes me wanna dance Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance It's a new romance Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes Oh, yeah, yeah I look into your eyes Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.............. Everything looks bright Standing in your light Everything feels right What's left is out of sight What's a girl to do I'm telling you You're on my mind I wanna be with you 'Cause when you're standin' next to me It's like wow And all your kisses seem to set me free It's like wow And when we touch it's such a rush I can't get enough It's like- - It's like Ooh-ooh Hey, what It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey Hey, yeah It's like wow Everything is looking right now, right now It's like wow And I got this feeling This feeling it's just like wow It's just like wow You are all I'm thinking of. Like wow Everything feels right Everything feels right Like wow Everything looks bright All my senses are right Like wow Everything feels right Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you Is like wow There is something that I see In the way you look at me There's a smile There's a truth In your eyes What an unexpected way On this unexpected day Could it be This is where I belong It is you I have loved All long There's no more mystery It is finally clear to me You're the home my heart's searched for So long It is you I have loved All long Whoa, over and over I'm filled with emotion As I look Into your perfect face or the Goddess that Created the World, is the manifestation of light itself who later becomes a religious figure, serving as the goddess of all humanity. She is depicted as an angelic being and appears to Luka in his dreams quite regularly to guide him in his quest. However, in truth she is the main antagonist of Monster Girl Quest, serving as the instigator of all of the main conflicts which occur throughout the game, from the monster and human prejudices to the multiple problems which plague Luka along his journey.

With an extreme desire to destroy all monsters, falsely claiming that they are her “failed creations,” she uses Heroes, most notably the legendary Heinrich, the hero apprentice Luka, and possibly Marcellus who is related to both of them by blood, to go on quests to destroy the current Monster Lord and defeat any monsters they encounter on their way. In return for their “unwavering service,” she gives them her blessing at a coming of age ritual, which is said to protect heroes by making their semen taste like angel liver (which, according to Alice, is repulsive). Although her blessing provides heroes a measure of safety from the more erotic attacks from monsters, they may still be put at greater risk from physical attacks and being devoured as they can’t offer use as a source of semen.

Ilias’ religion spreads far and wide across the world, with the exceptions of the isolated Yamatai Village and, obviously, Hellgondo, the northernmost continent and the seat of the Monster Lord. Her following is a lot stronger as one goes further South, culminating at her temple, which is located on the southernmost continent which bears her name. The continent has many sites named for her such as a village, a city, and a port. The central continent, Sentora, is largely a grey area with differing attitudes towards monsters and her teachings in each village, but generally the further north one goes the less the teachings are followed. Also, an organization named Ilias Kreuz was founded under Ilias’s name; led by Marcellus and Lazarus, they take Ilias’s teachings to extremes (for example, “Thou will not have intercourse with a monster” has been interpreted by them to mean “Thou shall not have any contact with a monster”) and will take the necessary actions, including violence, to destroy bonds between humans and monsters.

Luka mentions five commandments of Ilias. According to Luka, if any of them are broken, it brings about horrible consequences. The commandments are as follow:
 * 1) “Thou shalt not have intercourse with monsters.”
 * 2) “Be dutiful in your prayers.”
 * 3) “Point your sword at the Goddess and thou shalt cry.” (Luka mentions that this is the "worst of the five prohibitions" to break as it signifies rebellion. He also mentions that humans at some point had applied this commandment to representations of Ilias, such as statues.)
 * 4) "Thou shalt not rely on other gods."
 * 5) "Thou shalt not disgrace the Goddess."

Commandments 4 and 5 are not touched upon in the game itself and were instead revealed by Torotoro in his Q&A page.

Despite the aforementioned supposed punishment, there does not seem to be any actual consequence from Ilias herself for breaking the first and second commandments. However, if a person breaks the third commandment, Ilias will rip out their soul and confine them to the Sealed Sinner’s Prison for all eternity.

Should the player be defeated by a monster, Ilias will appear to give them guidance, or Evaluations, on how to defeat the enemy, though her descriptions can sometimes be vague and are often insulting. Should the player ask for her guidance 50 times in Chapter 1, she will become annoyed and disgrace Luka with a handjob which adds her to the Monsterpedia as an entry.

As the game continues, she will grow increasingly wary, breaking the fourth wall as if she was aware of the many, many losses the player may go through (and may assume their actions were intentional). Her comments begin to regard Luka as a pervert, foodstuff, and a slave to the monsters he encounters.

In Chapter 3, despite Ilias revealing her antagonistic ways and much to Luka’s surprise, she continues to do evaluations. Before starting, she explains that the one doing the evaluations is the tiny glimmer of her conscience “in the dirty, polluted river that is her heart”; however, she continues to belittle and insult him like she did in previous evaluations. In the final battle against her, Ilias actually proves to be truly evil, claiming that there was never any “good” in her and was only “leading” Luka to allow her to achieve her goal.

Despite acting as a holy figure, Ilias's true nature is revealed by the end of Chapter 2 and during Chapter 3. Desiring to become an omnipotent entity controlling both light and darkness with everyone worshiping her, Ilias tried to exterminate anyone that would be an obstacle to her goals, starting with the monsters and later humans. She started a full-scale war between herself and Alice I (First); sealed Heinrich’s soul in the Sealed Sinner’s Prison after he revolted against her; caused the infamous Slaughter of Remina, sending her angelic forces alongside Promestein's chimeras to massacre every human and monster living there; and declared another full-scale war with the monsters after Luka refuses to slay Alice and revolts against Ilias, starting with the Monster Lord’s Castle by declaring it a “Second Remina.” Once Luka rebels, Ilias renounces her faith in humanity, deeming them as her true failed creations, and attempts to eradicate them all with the combined might of her Angelic forces, Promestein's chimeras, and the addition of Black Alice and her bloodthirsty monsters.

Ilias is also shown to be extremely cunning, selfish, self-centered, and manipulative, having no care for anyone, not even her servants. She views everyone as expendable pawns, fabricating stories, outright lying and even willing to sacrifice anything in order to achieve her true goal, which eventually led her to being dubbed insane by the game's main characters. However, Ilias's extreme arrogance and naivety allowed her to overly underestimate her enemies which greatly contributed to her downfall.

However, behind all this is a woman who deeply feared being alone; she tried to escape this loneliness by becoming an Goddess to others, but it ultimately backfired when she tried forcing people to worship her.

Past
Billions of years ago, Ilias was formed out of the light of the universe while her counterpart, Alice I (First), was simultaneously formed out of the darkness of the universe.

Millions of years ago, perhaps out of loneliness as light and darkness cannot cross, Ilias began creating offset images of herself: the Angels, beginning with the twin Seraphs Micaela and Lucifina, who were followed by many more. Unsatisfied, she came to a world with primitive life and slowly changed its creatures and landscape into her own image, artificially producing humanity at which point she dubbed her work “complete”. At the same time, her dark counterpart also gave birth to monsters in a quicker and  more controlled manner, an ability that Ilias was jealous of.

One thousand years prior, out of jealousy and greed, Ilias waged war against Alice I, a confrontation now known as the Great Monster Wars. Although her rival was superior, they both realized that if their fighting continued, everything would be destroyed. Alice I hesitated, but Ilias continued her onslaught and threatened everything they both had worked for. Ilias then took advantage of this and proposed that if Alice I and the Six Ancestors, the lineage of all monsters, would seal themselves, Ilias would not harm their creations. With no other option, Alice I was forced to comply; however, she created a counterbalance to her seal: if Ilias broke her promise, the release of dark energy would undo the seal and her ultimate enemy would be set free. Undeterred by her promise and still desiring the destruction of monsters, Ilias created her own counter: she saved Black Alice from being killed by Heinrich (though the exact details of this are very vague), needing her to control the darkness of the universe which would be released when monsters are killed; with Black Alice's cooperation, Ilias neutralized Alice I's counterbalance. Some time after his battle with Black Alice, Heinrich fought against Ilias and her angel forces, but ultimately fell in battle and had his soul sealed in the Sealed Sinner's Prison. At the behest of Black Alice, Ilias released the angel scientist Promestein from her imprisonment in order to recruit her to create her own twisted versions of monsters, the chimeras, to assist in maintaining the darkness in the universe. However, due to her decisions, some of Ilias' followers began questioning her, and ultimately Lucifina rebelled.

Thirty years prior, Ilias finalized her ultimate plan and set it in motion, starting with Remina. She sent her angel and chimera forces to annihilate the humans and monsters who were living together in peace, creating the event known as the Slaughter of Remina. This atrocity, the destruction of a peaceful village that was the epitome of coexistence, severely damaged the relationship between humans and monsters. At that point, Micaela had just about enough with Ilias and left.

Chapter 1
At the beginning of the game, Ilias appears to Luka in a dream and asks if he can hear her. He can say “I can hear you!”, “Nope!”, or “…”

If he says “I can hear you!”, the dialogue continues normally. If he says “Nope!”, she’ll merely ask why he responded. If he decides to ignore her twice, she’ll punish him and he receives a Game Over.

With all that, Ilias informs Luka that he must defeat the Monster Lord. Luka wakes up, only to find out the village is under attack by a Slime Girl. If Luka chooses to run away twice, Ilias punishes him and he receives a Game Over.

Heading out to battle the Slime Girl, Ilias teaches him how to fight. She explains the commands as well as HP, using Judgement Tap to reduce his HP to 1. Humorously, Luka will get a Game Over if he asks to be taught twice, having not healed from her first Judgment Tap.

Ilias then planned to descend to the earth for Luka's hero baptism. However, Alice ambushed her with a punch to the face and managed to wounded her with the power of darkness, but Ilias easily defeated her and sent her crash landing near Ilias Village. Ilias, afraid of revealing her wounds to her "hero" due to her vanity, neglected Luka's baptism.

After Luka meets Alice, who berates the baptism, he heads to the church to be baptized by Ilias herself on her birthday, but she did not show up, making Luka depressed. Alice appears in his house and continues to insult baptism and heroism, even stating that Ilias attacked her and “I owed her for giving me so many wounds… Goddess that Created the World… how stupid.” Luka is unable to grasp the full concept of it, only noting that it may have something to do with Ilias not showing up for his baptism. She nevertheless convinces Luka to continue his journey and Alice becomes his traveling partner.

Throughout Luka’s travels, Ilias appears to him in dreams and continues pressuring him into defeating the Monster Lord. In return, Luka continuously prays to her, however Alice mentions that this is a contradiction he must overcome if he truly desires coexistence between humans and monsters, since Ilias seeks to eradicate all monsters from the world.

Ilias soon appeared to San Ilia King in a dream, informing him that he will meet an unbaptized person named Luka and must guide him to defeat the Monster Lord.

The evening before entering the Forest of Spirits, Luka tells the story of how a fallen angel became the Monster Lord. Alice chides him for his stupidity, revealing that the Monster Lords were founded by a being who was equal to Ilias as well as how they were born.

Chapter 2
When Luka heads to Remina, he finds a feather that supposedly belonged to an angel. While Luka has questions, Alice tells him that waiting around in Remina won’t answer anything.

Alice reveals a location called the Sealed Sinner’s Prison, sealing the souls of humans who revolted against Ilias. Luka learns that the place was named after Heinrich, although rumors state that the goddess herself brought Heinrich to the heavens. Instead, from what it appears, Heinrich revolted against Ilias, and the jail was created as ultimate punishment for those who disobey her, trapping spirits inside to prevent them from being reincarnated.

At the end of Chapter 2, if Luka kills Alice, Ilias drops down to congratulate his accomplishment. The hero claims a treasure chest holding Alice’s ribbon; Ilias wonders why a monster would keep such a cheap item. With that, she brings Luka to the heavens. With no need to return to the world, she gives him his reward: to bestow the body of the goddess. She straddles him and proceeds with a vaginal intercourse which will continue for all eternity, effectively resulting in a Game Over.

If Luka fails in their battle, Alice creates an unbreakable barrier that traps the two for all eternity; not even Ilias can touch them. However, Ilias still launches her world-wide assault which goes unhindered, allowing her to re-create the world and bring it to “peace.”

When Luka spares Alice, Ilias comes down, disappointed as Luka has chosen the “most foolish path.” Ilias accuses Luka of having been seduced by darkness and as such is no longer qualified to be called a hero. Alice sneers at this; if a hero does not fight for others, then what is he? Ilias ignores her, stating that only she can determine that. Luka appeals to the goddess and asks if monsters are truly evil and is the fight between them and humans fated, but she flatly responds that monsters tempt and corrupt humans and that it is inevitable for the two races to fight. Luka notes that these responses are nothing more than beliefs that cause constant tragedy. Realizing he needs to change his beliefs like Alice, Luka finally goes against his religious beliefs and revolts against Ilias, stating that she and her teachings make coexistence impossible. Having broken the worst of the five commandments, she attempts to punish him with Thunder of Judgment, which he evades with Serene Mind and mocks her, asking her if she's used to judging those who can't fight back. With a sinister smile, an aura of dark anger, and in a hardly angelic manner, she declares that the castle will become a “Second Remina”, and leaves, content in her angels ability to do her bidding. Promestein appears during the assault and reveals that the attacking chimeras were created by her “dark magic” under Ilias’ orders, much to Alice’s surprise at the goddess being a hypocrite.

Meanwhile, Ilias and Black Alice discuss about re-creating the world. Ilias deems the humans who have lost their faith in her “defective” and her “first failed creations”; she would have reconsidered if an unbaptized hero showed his faith, but now must proceed with her original plan of rebuilding her world, and allows Black Alice to do as she pleases. Black Alice comments how Ilias actually needs the help of monsters, seeing how the goddess cannot maintain dark magic to keep the world in motion; Ilias sneers at this, threatening to replace Black Alice. After the 8th Monster Lord promises to be careful, the two begin to set up the next generation of “humans” and strong-follower monsters.

Chapter 3
After Tamamo manages to drive back Promestein, Ilias and her right-hand Eden discuss Promestein's withdrawal; Eden urges Ilias to punish Promestein, but she lets it slide, much to her hand's dismay.

After Luka defeats Archangel Ranael, Black Alice and Ilias exchange laughs and compliment the "party" starting; Black Alice sent her subordinates to Sabasa and Grangold kingdoms, being the most powerful, but Ilias finds it suspicious that Black Alice herself hasn't partaken in the fight yet. Ilias then talks about the White Rabbit injection Promestein attempted to use while fighting Luka, stating that her plan may go astray if it goes wrong. Ilias then states that no matter what one drinks, they will not become the same as a god, and even so it isn't as pleasant as one thinks. Ilias then dispatches Black Alice afterward.

When Luka arrives back in Enrika, Micaela reveals and elaborates on Ilias' entire backstory and her goals of conquering the world.

In an intermission during Luka's travels back to San Ilia, Promestein informs Ilias that she will erase her shame with her future work and reports that her entire forces, except the Next Dolls, are left under Eden's command. Ilias reminds Promestein about the pardon on her sin.

Once Luka manages to stop the first wave of attackers, Ilias unleashes a second wave a few days later. However, her enemies are far more prepared, as the Four Heavenly Knights divert the Four Towers to weaken the holy energy throughout the world and grant everyone the ability to harm angels. Meanwhile, Luka steps into Heaven, much to Eden's displeasure as she finally decides to personally deal with him.

However, with all of Ilias's forces out of the way, Promestein and Black Alice proceed to betray Ilias. Using the Six Ancestor Great Seal to subdue Ilias, Black Alice injects herself with Promestein's White Rabbit drug to gain Alice I's genes before swallowing the holy goddess whole, becoming the ultimate entity of light and darkness. Promestein mentions that Black Alice leaked information about Ilias's second wave of attackers, who simply laughs. Their plan is then foiled by Luka and Alice, who fight and defeat the traitors.

But Black Alice's defeat suddenly brings in another chilling aura when Ilias emerges from her remains. The goddess then reveals that her true master plan was to become the ultimate entity and staged everything to achieve that goal, seeing how the only way to become infused with darkness was to be swallowed by a being comprised of it and intentionally allowed Black Alice to betray her (as attempting to fuse with the darkness would reject her). Now truly an all powerful being, Ilias would have no problem disposing all monsters, including the Dark God Alice I. Of course, Luka was also involved in her master plan, for he had to defeat the 8th Monster Lord in order to release the evil goddess from her grasp. Ilias then proceeds to "reward" Luka with pleasure for all eternity.

When Luka refuses Ilias, she unleashes the darkness within her and assumes a colossal monstrous form, beginning the true final battle. Despite her menacing presence, the Hero and the Monster Lord do not falter against the evil Goddess.

Alma Elma arrives on scene first and fights with her all using her hidden martial arts style. Ilias tells the Succubus Queen that she detests her kind the most, but Alma Elma responds that disavowing pleasure is what led to problems between coexistence. Eventually, Alma Elma reaches her limit, and is ordered to withdraw and live for the future; before she does so, she blows Luka a kiss to restore his HP.

Immediately after Alma Elma's departure comes Erubetie, who summons the Aqua Pentagram to ward off Ilias's attacks, but this is all in vain when the goddess instantly shatters the barrier in one blow. Nevertheless, Erubetie shields her comrades with her body, believing she can protect the hope of the future by safeguarding Luka. However, Erubetie quickly reaches her limit and her comrades convince her to withdraw and not sacrifice herself. Once the slime staggers away, Ilias comments that she thought Erubetie would have shielded her friends to the death.

Next up is the Six Ancestor Tamamo, who severely damages the goddess with fire, tails, and sharp claws. This leaves Ilias surprised, seemingly unaware that Tamamo had escaped her seal to watch over the next lines of Monster Lord. Ilias assures to relieve Tamamo of that duty by sending her into hell with her friends, but Tamamo insists on relieving Ilias's duty as a goddess and also mocks her for being betrayed and abandoned, to which Ilias boasts that she doesn't need anyone. Eventually Tamamo's magic expires and she is forced to retreat at the urging of Alice and the appearance of Granberia; before she does so, she makes the Monster Lord and the Hero promise not to die.

The "sword waving barbarian" also fights with her all, but when she begins to stagger, she repeatedly uses Vaporizing Rebellion Sword in retaliation and refuses to back down. Ilias then continuously attacks Granberia, who surprisingly withstands several of Ilias's relentless barrages before succumbing and rendered unconscious but still alive.

Before Ilias can move in to finish off Granberia, Micaela arrives and attacks the goddess, stating that she had previously lied about running out of power, knowing that Ilias was listening when she spoke to Luka. Micaela claims that she now has no more power, but when Ilias moves in to attack again, Miceala intercepts and says she lied again. Now truly out of power, Micaela takes Granberia and withdraws.

With their withdrawal, the hope for the future rests on Luka's and Alice's hands. With Ilias severely weakened, she resorts to pleasure attacks, but Luka stays strong and resists temptation. Pushed to the edge, Ilias summons the last of her strength; Alice tells Luka that now is the time to end the final battle once and for all with Quadruple Giga, promising to shield him as he prepares. Ilias unleashes a barrage of attacks, but Alice stays true to her word as she safeguards Luka with her body and allows him to complete infusing the Four Spirits into his blade. Before he can attack, Alice tells him to further amplify the blade with holy energy, and in turn she takes a hold of the Angel Halo to infuse it with darkness. Ilias boasts that the attack will not defeat her, and the two forces clash for the final blow. As they move in, Luka sees everyone who helped him on his journey, and using "[Luka's]! And Alice's! And everyone's!" Quadruple Giga, the battle finally ends with a flash of light.

With the final battle over, Ilias reverts to normal and admits that she became a goddess to escape her loneliness and also questions herself as to what would have happened if she hadn't become a goddess. Luka empathizes, knowing that he was originally obsessed with the idea of what it meant to be a hero and Alice fixated on what it meant to be the Monster Lord; everyone, Ilias included, is bound by their own viewpoints on life. She then points to Luka's hand, which is completely eroded by holy energy; knowing her existence will fade away forever, Ilias uses the remainder of her power to cure it, doing so to congratulate Luka for saving the world and as a final act befitting the goddess she longed to be. "Now go, True Hero Luka. You have people waiting for you..." are Ilias's final words before Luka wakes from his one month coma that occurred after the final battle.

Once Luka awakens, Alice informs him that with Ilias's downfall all of her soldiers had surrendered. Micaela also detects Ilias's power laying within Luka, and after explaining what happened, she acknowledges that transient beings couldn't imagine Ilias's loneliness, having no way of altering Ilias's path. Meanwhile, many angels and human worshipers are confused as what to do in the coexisting world due to being so fixated on the goddess.

Goddess Ilias (1)
''“The Goddess who created the world. Though she holds enormous power, she’s rarely seen on the Earth itself. However, her will is handed down to the humans living on the Earth and she is revered as their goddess.''

''It’s said that she hates her failed creations, the monsters, but loves humanity. She would object very strongly to being included in this [Monster Encyclopedia].”''

Goddess Ilias (2)
''“As the Goddess who created the world, she resides in the heavens. Though she’s incredibly powerful, she rarely extends that power to the world below. But by extending her will to the humans below, she leads them.''

The equal of the Founding Monster Lord, there are many doubts surrounding her such as what happened to the Hero Heinrich, the appearance of a strange monster called “Black Alice”, the strange female scientist with the Chimeric Monsters, and the Slaughter of Remina… It may be that Ilias has had a hand in all of these issues.”

Goddess Ilias (3)
''“An existence that serves as the opposite of Dark God Alipheese. Her holy power circled the world, and was the origin of the sense of "Self" among the surface creatures. After a long fight, she sealed away Dark God Alipheese, and came to be revered by the humans as their Goddess.''

''She deeply hates monsters, borne from the Dark God, and desires their extinction. Losing faith in humanity at the same time, she wants to re-create the world anew.”''

Goddess Ilias (Final Form)
''“The final and most powerful form of Ilias, after taking in the power of Dark God Alipheese. The mixture of Dark and Holy magic morphed her body into the irregular mix of angelic and monster properties. Existing as the "ultimate" being, she is in complete control of her overwhelming power.''

Using the "Womb of the Gods", one of the Dark God's organs, to harvest semen, she can quickly create new life upon the surface.

''Ilias's true goal all along was to obtain this ultimate body. Using its power, she would be able to wipe out all monsters, the unsealed Dark God, and then re-create the entire world from scratch. Promestein and Black Alice were simple sacrifices for her plans all along.”''

First Battle
*Thunder of Judgment: Triggers paralysis status.

Goddess's Handjob: Normal attack that damages thrice. Will trigger hand bukkake on loss.

Goddess's Blowjob: Normal attack that damages thrice. Will trigger facial bukkake on loss.

Goddess's Breasts: Normal attack that damages thrice. Will trigger chest bukkake on loss.

Wings of Love and Tolerance: Triggers trance status and deals damage. Will trigger wing bukkake on loss.

*Goddess's Restraint: Triggers bind status. Leads to Goddess's Intercourse on the next turn.

*Goddess's Intercourse: Binded attack that leads to a one-hit KO via instant follow-up. Leads to either Goddess's Riding or Goddess's Tightening.

Goddess's Riding: Binded attack that leads to a one-hit KO via instant follow-up. Follows Goddess's Intercourse.

Goddess's Tightening: Binded attack that leads to a one-hit KO via instant follow-up. Follows Goddess's Intercourse.

Second Battle
*Shamshir: Magic attack directed toward Luka.

*Titus's Wave: Magic attack directed toward Luka.

*Tentacle Blast: Physical attack directed toward all opponents. Can be countered by Alma Elma's Knockout Palm. Used only when Alma Elma appears.

*Thunder of Judgment: Powerful magic attack directed toward Luka.

*Holy Flare: Magic attack used to shatter Erubetie's Aqua Pentagon and later directed toward Tamamo and Granberia.

*Flame of Judgement: Magic attack directed toward Alma Elma and later Alice.

*Inferno Bind: Physical attack directed toward Tamamo.

*Ultimate Messiah: Very powerful magic attack directed toward all opponents. Used after Tamamo appears.

*Big Bang: Most powerful magic attack in her arsenal, directed toward all opponents. Used after Granberia appears.

Holy Hair: Pleasure attack. Used after Micaela departs.

Holy Feathers: Pleasure attack. Used after Micaela departs.

Embrace of the Goddess: Triggers bind status and deals damage. Has draining properties. Used after Micaela departs.

Dark Goddess's Semen Extraction: Triggers bind status and immediately leads to a one-hit KO via instant follow-up. Requires Undine to avoid. Used after Micaela departs.

* Non-requestable technique

First Battle
Although this form of Ilias is the penultimate boss, this portion of the fight is actually very simple as the only dangers she presents are her high damaging three-hit attacks, a paralysis, a trance, and a bind leading to a one-hit KO attack. Just keep all the Four Spirits up and use Daystar and she should go down. Alice assists here to some extent, though most of the damage dealt will come from Luka.

If Luka succumbs, Ilias rapes him with a tit-fuck before continuing to "reward" him with pleasure for all eternity.

Second Battle
Ilias assumes a monstrous form and the REAL FINAL BATTLE begins! The most important thing is to keep all the Four Spirits up, especially Gnome, and Meditate often as all her attacks will deal massive damage that takes out large chunks of Luka's health. Thanks to the efforts of the Four Heavenly Knights and Micaela, most of Ilias' attacks will be diverted toward Luka's comrades, meaning Daystar won't help much here. Also, each Heavenly Knight has their own damage tolerance equal to their HP on Normal Mode, and the next scripted event will occur once Ilias drains all that HP; Alice, however, is completely "immortal" throughout the fight. Finally, do not use Quadruple Giga until instructed, otherwise Ilias will instantly end Luka's game with Ultimate Messiah, which also disregards the presence of Luka's allies.

Surrendering/Requesting at any point of the battle results in Luka being chastised by his allies before Ilias assaults him with pleasure attacks. Luka and his companions offer no resistance, and Ilias rapes him to his defeat.

Ilias will waste her first turn gloating about her new power, and Luka acknowledges that Gnome is protecting him. The earth spirit is very critical in this fight. She will reduce the damage of all of Ilias's non-pleasure attacks by 90%. Receiving any hit without Gnome will result in Luka receiving thousands of damage - which is far higher than his max health and thus constitute in a one-hit KO.

Shortly after the fight starts and Ilias is left with 590,000 HP, Alma Elma arrives to assist. Ilias will direct some of her attacks toward Alma Elma, who fights back with her own. Alma Elma may also counter Ilias's Tentacle Blast, which is aimed at all three of her attackers. After Alma Elma's 15,000 HP is exhausted, she will retreat but before doing so she blows a kiss to Luka, restoring his HP completely.

Taking Alma Elma's place is Erubetie, who uses Aqua Pentagram to shield Luka and Alice, but her efforts are for naught when Ilias instantly shatters the barrier with Holy Flare. Nonetheless, Erubetie begins shielding her comrades with her body which nullifies all damage directed toward Luka and Alice. At this point, Ilias stops using her weak Shamshir and Titus's Wave and redirectes her Thunder of Judgment and Flame of Judgment towards Luka and Alice, respectively. Eventually, with Erubetie's 22,000 HP depleted, she will be forced to withdraw.

Tamamo then arrives in her Six Ancestor form, using Nine Tails Funeral Pyre and following up with quite strong attacks. At this time, Ilias begins using her Ultimate Messiah, which hits Luka and his comrades, and her Holy Flare is repeatedly used against the assisting Heavenly Knight. After Tamamo loses her 22,000 HP, her magic begins to expire and she reverts to her sealed form.

Immediately taking Tamamo's place is Granberia, who fights with her all, albeit with a weaker damage output than Tamamo. Ilias now begins using her most damaging attack: Big Bang. With Granberia's 24,000 HP gone, Ilias tries to finish off Granberia, but she insists that she can still keep fighting and repeatedly attacks with Vaporizing Rebellion Sword; during these three turns, any attack Ilias does is only directed at Granberia. Shortly after, Granberia faints from exhaustion.

Last but not least is Micaela, who prevents Ilias by attacking with her ultimate Sword of the Heavens and she quickly takes out huge chunks of the evil goddess' health. Micaela, whose powers have weakened dramatically over time, is unable to use that attack more than twice, and thus is forced to leave with Granberia. If Luka Surrenders when Micaela is present, the achievement Disparaged by Micaela will be given.

After all is said and done, everything comes down to Luka and Alice. At this point, Luka learns Quad Spirit Summon, which allows him to simultaneously summon all Four Spirits for longer than normal, but without the SP restore that comes from summoning Salamander solo. Ilias' relentless barrages of deadly attacks will now cease, only launching somewhat weak pleasure attacks only on Luka; her Embrace of the Goddess is a nasty drain-bind that requires several turns of Struggling to break free from and her Dark Goddess's Semen Extraction is a one-hit KO attack that requires Undine to avoid.

In the Monsterpedia, there is an option that allows the players to start the battle in its final phase.

Once Ilias is near the brink of defeat and has less than 50,000 HP, Ilias will temporarily stop attacking and lament on her near defeat. On the next turn, Ilias will begin to radiate power and Alice says now is the time to end this once and for all with Quadruple Giga; if Luka stalls, Ilias will down Alice with Flame of Judgment and on the next turn will destroy Luka with Big Bang, which this time completely ignores Gnome's defense. As the Four Spirits root Luka on, Ilias unleashes a barrage of attacks which are all blocked by Alice's body. After infusing all four elements, Alice tells Luka to infuse the skill with his divine power, and she in turn takes the blade and infuses it with her dark power. In their efforts for fighting for everyone as well as Luka's parents, the battle finally comes to a climactic close with a flash of light.

If Luka falters, Ilias brings him up to her holy body where he is raped by her vagina, giving her his seed for all eternity. If he loses to Dark Goddess's Semen Extraction, he is raped by her monstrous organ which squeezes him until his death.

Goddess Ilias (3)
(Ilias) “'' Heh... Hahahaha! You're pathetic, Luka. You know that? Did you really think I was some piece of Ilias that was still good? I am the one and only Goddess! I transcend Good and Evil! ...That's right. I've been deceiving you this entire time. You have no idea how difficult it was... To stifle my laughter as you danced in my palm, that is. Everything has been to lead you to defeat Black Alice after she absorbed me. To that end, I provided you with this assistance. Haha... I bet you never thought that was the reason for these, did you? You've been doing exactly what I've wanted, this whole time. Ah, yes, there's no more evaluation meetings. I'll defeat you no matter how many times you try!' ”''

Goddess Ilias (Final Form)
''(Lucifina) “Luka... I forced a difficult fate upon you. My imprudent actions have tormented you for so long. No... I did not come to beg your forgiveness. I wish to lend my power to help defeat the true evil. First... Focus on healing yourself during the first phase. Gnome is required to avoid taking fatal damage. You must also summon both Sylph and Undine to help avoid damage, if even a little. Aside from recovery and spirits, don't waste your SP on anything else. And for the final phase... It will be a fight just between you, Ilias, and Alice. Make sure to always have Undine summoned to avoid a fatal instant kill attack. Also, Sylph can help evade her other attacks, so summon her as well. Gnome can help you break free of her binds quicker, but isn't required. And in the end... You must strike her down with everything you've got. Join together with Alice, and you cannot fail. Luka... Even though my body may be gone, I am still watching over you. Please, triumph... And after, be happy in the peace you've obtained...”''

Trivia

 * In the beginning of the game, Ilias references the first few lines of the Book of Genesis in creating the world.
 * According to the Fairy’s Monsterpedia entry, those with strong faith in Ilias are incapable of seeing them.
 * Luka was capable of seeing Fairies despite his faith in Ilias, possibly due to his desire for coexistence between humans and monsters, an idea that is a violation of her teachings.
 * The King of San Ilia was shown to originally not be able to see Fairies. However, in Chapter 3, he is able to see them, indicating that his faith in Ilias is also wavering.
 * Ilias seems to have a disregard for heroes, as some of her evaluations mention finding a “replacement hero” for Luka.
 * Ilias breaks the fourth wall in many evaluations, especially battles against common monsters or those that can only be lost on purpose like Sylph and the Imp, chiding or taunting the player for wanting to watch all of the H-Scenes.
 * Ilias despises humans using Cursed Sword techniques. However, she makes an exception to Luka as he must use the techniques to succeed in battle.
 * Likewise, Ilias dislikes Luka using the power of the Four Spirits, unless they become expendable to him.
 * Despite giving evaluations to heroes upon their defeat, it is referenced in a book that she dislikes giving evaluations, which confuses Scholar B of San Ilia upon Luka's first visit when he tries to translate the book. She often breaks the fourth wall in order to insult Luka during some evaluations.
 * The scholar also says “Whomsoever troubles thy goddess with repeated Evaluation Meetings shall receive judgment.”, hinting at her first rape scene upon 50 evaluations.
 * During Chapter 3, Micaela mentions that Ilias wiped out or altered unfavorable facts from the Great Monster Wars, such as erasing the existence of the Six Ancestors and falsely claiming Alice I was a fallen angel.
 * In Chapter 1 when the ghosts and fairies invade San Ilia, a Scholar and an Elder Ghost mentions that fairies existed in books from a thousand years to 500 years prior, but are strangely absent from the present day scriptures.
 * Also in Chapter 3 after Luka helps repel the attack on San Ilia, the Scholar states that it was discovered that the present day scriptures have contained contradictions and falsehoods in them. In addition, entire histories of people, fairies and ghosts, and legends regarding marriage customs with monsters being entirely deleted. He mentions that these modifications to the scriptures occurred 500 years ago, and these historical records have been strictly controlled by Ilias.
 * During her rape scene after 50 evaluations, Ilias will ask Luka how many breads did he eat, quoting Dio Brando from JoJo's Bizarre Adventures.
 * A good number of areas in the game have their own, more lenient, takes on Ilias’s teachings: Sabasa Castle’s royal family has a proud history with monster blood while Port Natalia is more accepting with resident mermaids and the women of Grand Noah just like to see men get raped by the resident monsters in the Colosseum.
 * In Yamatai Village, one of the villagers suggests starting up a shrine for the Goddess Ill-Ass, a pun on the mispronunciation of her name as the locals are unfamiliar with the religion. Luka thinks she would not approve.
 * Ironically, despite being depicted as a benevolent figure Ilias has displayed all seven of the seven deadly sins within her personality.
 * Pride/Arrogance: Sees herself as the judge of what a “hero” is, and proceeds to consider humans and monsters to be failures. Sees only those who are loyal to her to be creatures worth living. Also why Ilias neglected Luka's baptism after Alice managed to scar her.
 * Sloth/Indolence: While Ilias has been more active in the past, the only antagonistic action she committed directly towards Luka is at the end of Chapter 2 by attacking him and initiating a second full-scale war with monsters, which was openly mocked by him saying she’s used to those who can’t fight back. She left the entire war to Promestein, Black Alice, and Eden's care, and only acted again once her true master plan was complete.
 * Gluttony/Voraciousness: Consumes the semen of Luka endlessly within all her rape scenes except the first, and consumes Luka's body if he is finished by Dark Goddess's Semen Extraction. Wishes to consume the world with her will.
 * Greed/Avarice: Has the desire for all things to be under her and to have ownership over the entirety of the will of living beings.
 * Wrath/Fury: As seen at the beginning of the game when she is ignored, or more notably with the Slaughter of Remina and at the end of Chapter 2 when she wages a full-scale war against the monsters twice. Also seen in many Evaluations.
 * Lust/Lasciviousness: A given considering the nature of the game, but her rape scenes are the evidence.
 * Envy/Jealousy: Micaela claims that Ilias was jealous of Alice I's ability to create offset images at a much more controlled and easy rate. This was a motivating factor in starting the Great Monster Wars.
 * Goddess Ilias mentions to detest the Succubi the most among all monsters, as they drown in pleasure and make a mockery of life itself. It is also said that Minagi, the Six Ancestor and progenitor of all succubi, is Ilias's most hated monster.
 * Despite her role as goddess, she is not omnipotent; while she governs holy magic, she cannot control it alongside dark magic. That is why she kept Black Alice alive, and achieving omnipotence was Ilias's sole objective.
 * Strangely, despite Ilias's and Micaela's claims of holy and dark energy being naturally incompatible with each other, Sylph merges her own dark wind with Fallen Angel Dance's holy wind, Promestein successfully created creatures mixed out of angel and monster genes (including her modifications on herself) and also designed the self-destruct sequence of the Drain Lab to utilize a mixture of holy and dark energy, and Luka and Alice infused holy and dark energies into Quadruple Giga.
 * Upon releasing the Dark Goddess's genes within her, Ilias is capable of using Alma Elma's wind attack, Shamshir.
 * Titus, from Titus's Wave, was a Christian saint and also a book in the New Testament.
 * While using Titus's Wave, Ilias may say she plans flood the world, referencing the Flood Myths.
 * Humanity has been worshiping Ilias for over 1367 years, as the World Traveler is marked the year 867 and is at least 500 years old according to Luka.
 * When 165 orgasms are reached she makes a comment about the viewer watching Luka 165 times.
 * Upon losing against the Replicant and choosing Evaluation, Ilias will partially quote the famous "What is a man?" line from the game Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, and then go on with the evaluation.
 * Ilias's Final Form resembles Neo Exdeath, the final form of Exdeath from Final Fantasy V
 * Before Ilias sent Alice crashing down near Ilias Village, Alice is strangely able to wound Ilias with a punch using the power of darkness, despite angels being immune to all but holy power.
 * According to Torotoro's blog, Alice was holding the Angel Halo's hilt as she punched Ilias.
 * According to Torotoro's blog, Heaven vanished after Ilias's defeat.
 * According to Torotoro's blog, Ilias sent the plague that killed Lucifina, hoping that she would unseal her angel power to save herself. Instead, she chose to die a human.
 * Her death upset Ilias so much that she started spreading the illness to the rest of the villagers, especially to those who harassed Luka and Lucifina, implying that Ilias still cared about her former subordinate to a degree.